(This is a list of behaviors observed in people who possess this competence)

• They know right away when there is a conflict with another person.

• They try to analyze the root cause of the conflict without dwelling on the trivial matter that brought it to light.

• They sense possible causes of conflict and remedy them before it is too late.

• They are open to discrepancies in people’s different approaches and points of view.

• They deal with conflicts as quickly as possible and try to establish the best way to tackle them.

• They take a constructive approach to identifying points of convergence between different viewpoints through dialogue. They evaluate all possible solutions.

• They don’t tend to take extreme positions and always opt for moderation or centrality.

• When they are wrong, they are open to being convinced and accepting their mistake; by contrast, when they are right and manage to impose their viewpoint, they don’t resort to triumphalism.

• They avoid getting defensive when someone exhibits an attitude or action that causes a conflict.

• They are careful when dealing with emotional aspects of conflicts so as not to damage personal relationships.

• In conflicts, they always avoid personal attacks and maintain a conciliatory tone through dialogue.

• They know how to make amends for personal insults by apologizing or accepting apologies when necessary.

(This is a list of negative behaviors observed in people who do not possess this competence to a sufficient extent)

• They prefer to ignore conflicts rather than deal with them openly.

• They don’t pick up on simmering conflicts, so cannot anticipate them.

• They don’t listen to others’ arguments and are obsessed with their own position.

• They make clear statements without being open to interpretations or nuances.

• In open confrontations, they don’t know how to rectify the situation.

• They perceive problems in a general way, rather than analyzing the causes and determining possible solutions.

• They don’t make or communicate decisions constructively.

• They think they are wiser than others, and often believe they have a monopoly on the absolute truth.

• They end meetings at moments of confrontation and assume decisions have been made, even when all members do not agree.

• They perceive discrepancies as personal issues and react defensively.

• They don’t know how to apologize, even when they know they’re wrong.

• They eschew healthy and constructive disagreements.

• They are driven by negative emotions without really analyzing problems. They think others have ulterior motives.

• They are unable to work on a team with personalities that differ from their own.

• They get worked up and tend to raise their voice during discussions.

Behaviors in the assessment questionnaire

• They know how to keep a cool head during particularly tense moments by taking a step back and adopting a conciliatory role.

• They deal with conflicts promptly, rather than avoiding them or covering them up.

• They are able to apologize or accept apologies in situations that require it.

• They identify the causes that can generate a conflict and remedy them.

(Suggestions for questions that mentors can ask students to reflect on and, therefore, propose ways they think they can improve)

• Do you welcome criticism or discrepancies with respect to your point of view and do you see them as constructive rather than a personal attack?

• Are you aware of the need to safeguard personal relationships and monitor your expressions, tone of voice, etc., when discrepancies arise?

• Do you deal with potential conflicts promptly?

• Are you able to apologize and accept the apologies of others?

• Can you quickly pick up on others’ discomfort at your comments?

• Do you think you have gifts and abilities that separate you from others? Do you think these make you superior to others?

• Do you face the music when it comes to resolving conflicts or do you prefer to bury them and keep your distance?

• Are you able to apologize and accept the apologies of others? Do you hold grudges?

• Do you seek to integrate all viewpoints, or the consensus, to solve problems when making a decision?

• Do you take on the role of mediator in discussions between two or more parties to prevent them from getting personal?

• Do work discussions or meetings end up being unproductive or in a voting situation where those involved are upset about the decision?

• If someone else’s comment bothers you, think before you speak and try to put yourself in their shoes to understand it better. Why are you bothered by the comment? Does reacting disproportionately help in any way?

• Present your arguments by justifying your point of view, not dictating them. Try to make sure they are all reasoned so that they are not merely emotional.

• If the conflict gets personal and your words have upset another person, apologize. There is no winner in a confrontation. Both sides always lose out if an opinion ends up being imposed instead of accepted by everyone through persuasion.

• If someone else apologizes to you, be humble and accept it. Sometimes it’s harder than offering an apology.

• Keep in mind that, when a conflict arises, we tend not to talk to that person. A fundamental principle of human relationships is that personal problems are fixed by talking, so don’t block the only path to solving the conflict. Meet the person with whom you have the problem face to face, not through instant messaging or email. If you really want to solve it, you’ll be able to say much more than in a WhatsApp message.

• Another important point is that conflicts, in theory, are neither bad nor good. They arise because we are different. Everything depends on how we manage conflicts to unite those involved or push them even further apart. Think positively and tell yourself that conflicts offer an opportunity to improve your relationships with other people.

• To resolve a conflict, it is vital to convey emotions correctly to express how you feel and to better understand what’s happening to other people. Tell the other person what made you feel bad or what you didn’t like, and allow the other person to do the same.

• Use the different opinions expressed in discussions to revise your thoughts and assimilate changes, and integrate the different arguments so that the final position favors and pleases everyone. If the decision is not reached by consensus, it is difficult for everyone to feel identified and, therefore, motivated.

• Look for aspects of others’ positions that you support, rather than dismissing ideas based on your initial impressions. Make an effort to communicate your ideas clearly so that others accommodate your thoughts.

• There are different types of conflicts, depending on the whether they are based on emotion or reason. For example, if the conflict is based on reason rather than emotion, this is a discrepancy, but it is not as serious as a conflict based on emotion. This leads to conformity, which is always dangerous due to its explosive nature (Cardona and Wilkinson, 2008). Judge what went wrong this time, collect the objective facts and analyze your feelings.

• If the conflict is based on reason, objectively analyze the differences, communicate them and then discuss the ideal outcome (if you and the other person agree on the same thing) and what would be an acceptable outcome (what you are both willing to compromise on to avoid losing the emotions that unite you). If you can’t agree on an acceptable outcome, you’ll need to negotiate; that is, one of you must make a sacrifice in order to gain ground.

• If the conflict is based on emotions (which must always be analyzed and addressed), make sure you give honest feedback through gestures (say sorry, accept blame and express a desire to find a way out of the situation). Also, make sure you say the magic words to heal emotionally, such as “sorry,” “I’m upset” and “thank you.” Never lose respect for the other person. Sometimes you have to walk away.

• Don’t ever think you know everything about a subject. Don’t pontificate, but keep an open attitude that involves active listening and not finding flaws in others’ arguments to crush them.

• Don’t belittle others’ opinions, since everyone sees things differently and usually there is no single way to solve problems.

• Don’t try to dominate the conversation with your opinions. Listen instead of just talking. Try to avoid interruptions. When correcting someone, don’t say “yes, but...” but “yes, and also...”

• The first thing to safeguard in a conflict is respect for one another and the trust that has been created. Ensure all team members accept the work you have done. If everyone has participated to some degree, it is more likely to be widely accepted and turn out better.

• Most of the time, trust is broken by something silly that has not been addressed in time, such as an apology that has been slow in coming. Make sure you don’t hurt anyone’s feelings. If this is unavoidable, say sorry later and, if necessary, offer some compensation so that tensions don’t escalate.

• Never, under any circumstances, raise your voice, especially to silence another person’s argument. Try to stay calm if something has upset you by taking three deep breaths while ignoring the arguments that come to mind, since these will be a counterattack and come across as defensive.

• Keep your tone of voice and body language relaxed. If you control your body so that it doesn’t explode, you end up controlling your most impulsive and irrational thoughts (mainly emotions). Leave pauses for general reflection.

• If there is something you don’t understand, ask questions before giving an opinion based on intuition or keep your opinion to yourself.

• Conflict Resolution

Note: A guide to resolving conflicts by prioritizing the value of people over the value of arguments.

• El conflicto también puede ser positivo (si sabemos gestionarlo) (Conflict Can Also Be Positive If You Know How to Manage It), Pablo Cardona and Helen Wilkinson

Note: A great article about what a conflict consists of, what types there are and how to solve each type, as well as measures to avoid them.

• When and How to Let a Conflict Go, Jeanne Brett

Note: After a brief analysis of why difficult conversations arise, this article explains the best methods to defuse the situation.

• Why We Fight at Work, Annie McKee

Note: This article focuses in particular on the reasons that cause a person to become irrational, instead of taking a step back, from external situations to those small habits we’ve all developed.

• Nudo gordiano (Gordian Knot) Alfonso Aguiló in Hacer Familia

Note: Some problems seem unsolvable, and probably are through conventional methods. What should you do?

• Beware Conflicts of Interest, Dan Ariely

Note: In this short talk, Dan Ariely cites two examples to discuss the importance of knowing how to abandon our interests when it comes to the common good.

• The Beauty of Conflict, Clair Canfield

Note: Changing our perspective on conflict takes us out of our comfort zone and helps us grow. To achieve this, the speaker demonstrates a valid technique known as VOCAB to solve conflict in such a way that everyone wins.

• Los 11 tipos de conflictos (y como resolverlos) (11 Types of Conflict and How to Resolve Them)

Note: This article summarizes the results of different studies on the types of conflicts, their causes and how to resolve them, with examples and some guidelines to follow.

• 12 Angry Men, Reginald Rose

Note: A 12-man jury must decide whether the person charged with murder is guilty or innocent. Eleven members think he is guilty, while one believes that there is no evidence to reach a guilty verdict conclusion and declares him not guilty. This gives rise to a great discussion in which the personal interests of the 11 clash with the principles of the one man who declared the defendant innocent.

• A Few Good Men, Rob Reiner

Note: Two military lawyers must defend two marines who have been accused of murdering a comrade at Guantanamo military base. After an initial investigation, it seems that the marines carried out a “code red” ordered by the base commander. Throughout the film, discrepancies arise due to the obstacles that stand between the actual truth and the illusion of truth.